At the spur of the moment, a blonde decided to try some gambling in Louisiana for the first time.
The spinning ball of the roulette wheel caught her attention, so she decides to play. But she immediately has a problem, “I have no idea what number to play.”
A young, good-looking guy standing next to her suggests that she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts all her money on number 29.
The wheel is spun, and 36 comes up. The smile falls from the woman’s face and she faints.
We do not know where this list originated, so unfortunately we cannot give proper credit where credit is due. However, we do want to thank everyone who sent in this useful list of (emotionally) healthy holiday eating tips via email:
1. Avoid carrot sticks, celery, cauliflower and broccili. Anyone who puts raw vegetables on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Holiday spirit. In fact, if you see vegetables, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It’s rare; you cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? (That’s what New Year’s resolutions are for!) It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It’s a treat.. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. Speaking of mashed potatoes, always ask if they are made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Holiday party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it!
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps. Circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog is exercise enough until the ball drops on December 31st.
7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape — and size — of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t move an inch. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
8. Same for pies. Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, please… have some standards.
10. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread these tips. Start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner. Remember this motto to live by:
“Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate and wine in one hand, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming “WOO HOO what a ride!”
